I was thinking of Halloween scares. Around Halloween, everybody has the same ideas. Werewolves and zombies and mummies, oh my! Halloween things aren't terribly scary because they're known quantities. You can rattle off a number of facts about any of them.
People fear the unknown and the unexpected. Which brings me to what actually got me thinking about Halloween the day after Christmas: Santa Claus. I owned an animatronic Santa Class that would pretend to read from a book while the tape deck in his grandfather clock played. The tape is replaceable: you can install whichever tape you want.
Recording his regular tape with a little extra screaming would be a great Halloween trick. A room in a Haunted House, decked out in complete Christmas gear, but with some disturbing juxtapositions. Plus, it ruins Christmas. Good times!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
How To Write A Comedy Article, According to Someone Who has Never Written Comedy
So you want to write a comedy article? Break into the glamorous lifestyle of an internet comedy writer, maybe to impress the ladies, maybe to make a little scratch? Holy shit, that's actually a good idea. I mean, seriously, ladies love funny guys, right? And nothing beats a little scratch. Like, right between the shoulder blades. Well, as long as we're talking about what a great idea it is
When you're looking for something to write about, high school English teachers, laid-back college professors, and Robert Brockway all recommend the same thing. Write what you know. Find something you know a lot about, that you care about, and write the shit out of it. That's great, and ordinarily I'd agree, but writing is a lot of work. Do you really want to taint something you love, something that fills the dreary hours on your endless slog towards your inevitable death, by associating it with the self-loathing all forms of employment create? By turning this beautiful, pure thing into a job? No way, man, fuck no. So you have to write about something you hate. That's the only way to ensure you never associate the pleasure of thinking about Pokemon with the agony of your editor burning you with cigars for not handing in your article on the mating habits of Pikachu on time. Unless you're into that, I guess, but I don't think that guy is going to appreciate you getting off on his cigar burns. Plus, if you want somebody to listen to you on the Internet, hating everything they love is probably the best way, and any press is good press, right?
Haha, holy shit, you actually followed a homeless man? He probably went down to the trainyard to eat beans over a burning oil barrel or something, right? I'm pretty sure that's what homeless guys do. Wait, do they even have trainyards still? Is that a thing? Just a sec, lemme Google the nearest trainyard.
Oh! Shit, right, Google. If you want to do research, Google is your guy. They have everything on there. You probably could have just gone on there right away, instead of following a penniless indigent down to his bean-eatin' hole.
Boners
You knew it was coming to this. You're writing a comedy article, not an article for National Geographic. Boners are the wellspring of comedy, and any aspiring comedy author should be able to appreciate them and manipulate any paragraph to accommodate at least one reference to them. In fact, truly talented writers will spend anywhere between three and six hours just manipulating paragraphs every day. Talk about dedication. Also, balls. My sources tell me there is nothing funnier than describing something with an apt testicle metaphor, so try to work them in too. For maximum effect, I find that describing them as being dangerously swollen and also made from some sort of industrial metal works nicely.
Next, you bring living, breathing sentences into the world. Every single word is like a baby. No, wait, I said "sentence", so I guess a word is like... an arm or something? Anyway, it's a part of a baby, that you're birthing. It's your art. Your art-baby. Remember to read your outline while you're doing it, so you know what to do next. You better do it fast because scotch evaporates really fast and you're going to be thirsty before you finish.
Brainstorming
When you're looking for something to write about, high school English teachers, laid-back college professors, and Robert Brockway all recommend the same thing. Write what you know. Find something you know a lot about, that you care about, and write the shit out of it. That's great, and ordinarily I'd agree, but writing is a lot of work. Do you really want to taint something you love, something that fills the dreary hours on your endless slog towards your inevitable death, by associating it with the self-loathing all forms of employment create? By turning this beautiful, pure thing into a job? No way, man, fuck no. So you have to write about something you hate. That's the only way to ensure you never associate the pleasure of thinking about Pokemon with the agony of your editor burning you with cigars for not handing in your article on the mating habits of Pikachu on time. Unless you're into that, I guess, but I don't think that guy is going to appreciate you getting off on his cigar burns. Plus, if you want somebody to listen to you on the Internet, hating everything they love is probably the best way, and any press is good press, right?
Research
Why do you have to do research, again? I thought I told you to write about something you hate. How can you hate something if you haven't already researched it properly? To truly hate something, you should know everything about it, so you can properly appreciate how it's terrible and inferior to whatever it is you love. Well, I suppose if you really have to write about something, and you think research is absolutely necessary, I would recommend a library, I guess? You might remember them from grade school, those fear-scented places where elderly women would extort your allowance because you supposedly didn't return your books on time, even though they said they were "Free, to take home and everything." Don't go to your grade school library, though. You're writing Internet Comedy and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to smell like a brewery on school grounds. No, you'll have to go to the public library. If you don't know where it is, I'd recommend following a homeless guy that looks like he needs to go to the bathroom.Libraries: They're like if Wikipedia and a music festival port-a-potty had a baby.
Haha, holy shit, you actually followed a homeless man? He probably went down to the trainyard to eat beans over a burning oil barrel or something, right? I'm pretty sure that's what homeless guys do. Wait, do they even have trainyards still? Is that a thing? Just a sec, lemme Google the nearest trainyard.
Oh! Shit, right, Google. If you want to do research, Google is your guy. They have everything on there. You probably could have just gone on there right away, instead of following a penniless indigent down to his bean-eatin' hole.
Boners
You knew it was coming to this. You're writing a comedy article, not an article for National Geographic. Boners are the wellspring of comedy, and any aspiring comedy author should be able to appreciate them and manipulate any paragraph to accommodate at least one reference to them. In fact, truly talented writers will spend anywhere between three and six hours just manipulating paragraphs every day. Talk about dedication. Also, balls. My sources tell me there is nothing funnier than describing something with an apt testicle metaphor, so try to work them in too. For maximum effect, I find that describing them as being dangerously swollen and also made from some sort of industrial metal works nicely.
Writing
This is easily the least important part of writing a comedy article. Having selected a topic you hate, and learned all the possible reasons to hate it, draft up an outline. It doesn't have to be complex. Mine was just a drawing of a writer I made with some spilled scotch on the back of my riding lawnmower. Once your outline is finished, work from it directly and don't ever change it, whatever you do. This is your baby, and changing it is a sign of weakness and also possibly sobriety, and you didn't write this article while drinking scotch on the back of a riding lawnmower to look like a sober weakling, did you? Plus, changing things is a lot of work, and I don't think anybody got into writing to do a lot of work.Next, you bring living, breathing sentences into the world. Every single word is like a baby. No, wait, I said "sentence", so I guess a word is like... an arm or something? Anyway, it's a part of a baby, that you're birthing. It's your art. Your art-baby. Remember to read your outline while you're doing it, so you know what to do next. You better do it fast because scotch evaporates really fast and you're going to be thirsty before you finish.
Editing and Spellchecking
It took about six hours of repeating "editing and spellchecking" while rubbing my chin pensively in the doorway at Bookworld, but eventually I learned that this is "the process of correcting and revising a text", and that it is possible to pensively rub a beard right off. Also, that clerks at Bookworld will do anything to get someone with a bleeding chin-wound out of their doorway. And I mean anything. Anyway, I'm pretty sure they have people for this. People whose entire job, in fact, is to edit things. So make sure to make a ton of spelling mistakes and stuff. These people depend on writers like us to make mistakes for them to correct. Now that I know about this, I've gone back and peppered my article with spelling and grammar errors, just to let them know I care. A couple well-plaecd spelling errors should ingratiate you with these editor guys, and they'll be so grateful they'll definitely ensure that your work gets published.Enjoying your Internet Fame
Now that you've been published by a reputable vendor of Internet Comedy, it's your job to take that check for $50 and turn it into more comedy. Many creators may recommend that the surest paths to Internet comedy are alcohol and unique pornography, but that's too passe. Some fringe guys might recommend upping the ante with hard drugs and anonymous sex, but anyone can do those. You want to be a unique, shining star, right? I would recommend upright sobriety and clean living. Shave every day, and only have sex in the missionary position. Trust me.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Terrorists
Recently I watched an episode of a teevee show where a military operative is gathering intel in Yemen. He is targeted by a terrorist and his wife and young daughter die in the attack. Fueled by rage, he spends the next decade desperately hunting the terrorist down. Finally, he's about to exact his revenge when his plan goes awry and he's captured. In a terrorist... prison thingy, he discusses the difference between what he's doing (in order to get revenge for his family) and what the terrorist is doing (fighting for God's will). Of course, the terrorist quotes the Quran and is corrected by our hero. Finally, he's freed by an ally, and desperate to exact his revenge he concocts a suicide mission that involves stabbing his target to death in an airport (an act that will definitely get him killed by airport security).
His plan is foiled at the last minute, and I assume the ironic notes in his path for vengeance were intentional. I mean, entering a foreign country in order to kill a citizen, being waterboarded, and then attempting a suicide mission? No, that has to be a move to deliberately reverse the characters arc, and get us sympathizing with someone who is, for every single intent and purpose, a terrorist.
I should clarify that. He's going to stab someone to death on a plane, and clearly his goal isn't "terror", but revenge. However! Imagine if the situation were reversed. An Arab's family is collateral damage. He spends years tracking down the American officer who ordered the attack, and when he's just about to take his revenge, he's foiled and waterboarded. He escapes and returns to his mission, eager to do whatever it takes, even die, to get revenge. He goes onto a plane, and he murders someone. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that they could make him a sympathetic character in the States. After thinking about that, I found myself thinking about every scenario where terrorists are used as stock villains.
The scene in Iron Man where terrorists kidnap Tony Stark and force him to build a bomb for them, bearing in mind that Tony develops weapons. Now imagine he's a wealthy Saudi blasting his way out of an American prison. The irony is that I couldn't even bring myself to give him ties to a terrorist organization (to match Tony's role as an arms dealer), because even as I was thinking it I realized he wouldn't be sympathetic. He almost couldn't be.
It would be interesting, though, to see how it played out. I think it's understandable that we don't necessarily appreciate the goals and motives of people with outlooks so alien from our own (especially when we are personally singled out for victimization). Still, though, I'm reasonably confident that transplanting goals that American moviegoers have identified as profoundly sympathetic (the grieving father exacting revenge) into a non-American and then using Americans as the Big Bad would not be well-met. Especially if the avenging character exacted the same merciless, pitiless tactics that are so favored by our imaginary elite agents.
His plan is foiled at the last minute, and I assume the ironic notes in his path for vengeance were intentional. I mean, entering a foreign country in order to kill a citizen, being waterboarded, and then attempting a suicide mission? No, that has to be a move to deliberately reverse the characters arc, and get us sympathizing with someone who is, for every single intent and purpose, a terrorist.
I should clarify that. He's going to stab someone to death on a plane, and clearly his goal isn't "terror", but revenge. However! Imagine if the situation were reversed. An Arab's family is collateral damage. He spends years tracking down the American officer who ordered the attack, and when he's just about to take his revenge, he's foiled and waterboarded. He escapes and returns to his mission, eager to do whatever it takes, even die, to get revenge. He goes onto a plane, and he murders someone. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that they could make him a sympathetic character in the States. After thinking about that, I found myself thinking about every scenario where terrorists are used as stock villains.
The scene in Iron Man where terrorists kidnap Tony Stark and force him to build a bomb for them, bearing in mind that Tony develops weapons. Now imagine he's a wealthy Saudi blasting his way out of an American prison. The irony is that I couldn't even bring myself to give him ties to a terrorist organization (to match Tony's role as an arms dealer), because even as I was thinking it I realized he wouldn't be sympathetic. He almost couldn't be.
It would be interesting, though, to see how it played out. I think it's understandable that we don't necessarily appreciate the goals and motives of people with outlooks so alien from our own (especially when we are personally singled out for victimization). Still, though, I'm reasonably confident that transplanting goals that American moviegoers have identified as profoundly sympathetic (the grieving father exacting revenge) into a non-American and then using Americans as the Big Bad would not be well-met. Especially if the avenging character exacted the same merciless, pitiless tactics that are so favored by our imaginary elite agents.
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